Today, if it was totally up to me, I’d hide away from the world somewhere cosy and safe.
I’d turn off my mind and just be.
I’d try my hardest to be happy with life as it is and not wonder what might have been or even what could be.
I’d connect with who I am.
I’d be happy with everything and everyone and not expect a thing.
BUT right now that’s not how I am.
I’m living my life in the big bright shining world where hurts and pain are as real as joy and happiness.
I feel inadequate.
I’m battling that feeling that tells me I am simply not enough.
I feel safe writing this here – because the human experience leads most of us down this path at some stage.
Harassing us and making us want to hide away.
Denying the world the depth of what lays within our soul.
In case it hurts us.
In case it doesn’t accept us.
In case it rejects who we are completely.
Truth is that probably won’t – but the feelings are still painful and real.
Today I looked around my life and realized I’ve lost most of my deepest friendships with other women.
Time has eroded them.
Life has passed on and moved over them.
Suddenly, for whatever reason, they are no longer the deep enduring and sustaining relationships they used to be.
That strikes at my core.
Am I incapable of lasting friendship?
Is there something wrong with me that makes me unworthy or maybe even unsuitable?
Perhaps I just don’t have what it takes to be a lifelong friend.
Maybe I missed that class when I was learning my life lessons?
That makes me sad.
It makes me write uncomfortable things that people might not like to read.
But it also makes me real.
And just a little cross.
Because these feeling, if we allow them, rob us of so much.
They stop me reaching out and taking risks.
I can’t allow that to happen.
Truth is I know these are just feelings. They will pass. Their painful presence is probably just showing me something I need to know.
My faith is strong.
It teaches me that I am completely and utterly imperfect – and that is okay.
Okay because we’re all the same. That comforts me a lot.
Image is nothing. And despite the way I fall so quickly into needing to appear to be more than I am, I am already at this moment more than enough.
But still I miss having women friends who really share my life. That sisterhood is special to me and adds a complex and valuable dimension that only comes through real friendship between women.
Miss that.
Miss chatting over coffee, feeling comfortable enough to be ridiculous and sharing the everyday joy and pain of life. Being truly real and it not mattering.
Okay, end of personal over share.
Did I embarrass you?
Do you ever have crazy days when your heart feels like it is breaking – even though you know it’s really all okay?
Apparently I do.
{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
What a beautiful way to express something that most of us can probably not only relate to – but feel deeply passionate about
I craze my female friendships, but sadly most of them do erode, with time and children (which makes no sense)
Sometimes though, unexpected friendships come along, these seem to make up for the many lost
xx
So true Josefa
It’s all a bit of a mystery – but I just felt so much better after expressing it all.
Caz recently posted..Do you ever have crazy days when your heart feels like it is breaking – even though you know it’s really all okay?
know that feeling. It’s most often around when I am hormonal but sometimes rears its head at other times too. There is nothing qut like goof female friends and I hope you’re able to find that kind of friendship again soon.
Kylez recently posted..Wordless Wednesday – 12 Months
Oh yes hormones pay havoc with us don’t they!!! Thank- you Kylez – hope so too
Caz recently posted..Do you ever have crazy days when your heart feels like it is breaking – even though you know it’s really all okay?
You sound like you are really struggling at the moment. I hope it gets easier soon. Rachel xx
Rachel recently posted..Laughter and love
Thanks Rachel
Actually I felt a LOT better just from expressing it. Sometimes you just need to get the feelings out. Thanks for dropping in and reading my post.
Caz recently posted..A photo that speaks a million words
I wish I knew something to say that could make your heart feel lighter, but I can’t think of any. I have often thought about this, and I think I decided that we must have times and seasons, people come into our lives for a reason, but then they fade out, I’m not sure why. Now when I look back I even seem to have times that are almost blocks of time in my mind,boarding school time, nursing time,losing babies, having babies to take home, day care mum time, M.S setting in but undiagnosed , diagnosed but walking, in a wheelchair, of course there are more blocks, and some merge, through all of this different people are around though. I would love some of my girlfriends from some blocks to still be around, but they are not, and just thinking about them, makes me sad they are no longer around. We never had fights, but one or the other of us must have been in a different place.I’m still in very regular contact with my close friend from boarding school, but I married her very gorgeous brother, so that is different I think. I didn’t mean to babble on so much, and I hope I’ve made sense. I hope when you wake up in the morning your heart feels lighter, and your day is bright.
Thanks so much for this lovely comment Dawn. Yes, I think you are right about the seasons. I can see that in my life as well. (And the thought and care in your comment has made me feel lighter already
I didn’t realise you had MS. How hard that must be. Hope you and your family have a lovely Christmas time. Have really appreciated your wisdom input over the past month. Caz 
Caz recently posted..Do you ever have crazy days when your heart feels like it is breaking – even though you know it’s really all okay?
Yep, I get it. Even when life is great , sometimes you just need an afternoon with no responsibility, where you can laze around chatting w a friend about everything & nothing. xxxxx
Thanks Marissa – exactly right
Caz recently posted..A photo that speaks a million words
I am not embarrassed or turned off by the things you’ve shared because it has been my experience too. I’ve found that people change, some move away, some circumstances change and I change, therefore with all of those variables it is hard to keep lifelong friendships at the same level. Even the relationships that I’ve had the longest have changed a lot throughout the years and I really expect that they will keep changing too…and new people will come into my life as well and be new friends…some will be there for a while…some will move on just as quickly. The only constant is my husband, family and most of all my God. I hope you find some peace with all of the changes happening in your relationships..soon. I’ve found just appreciating whoever is there..day by day..is a good way of coping.
Naturally Carol recently posted..A Comfortable Place…
Very good advice Carol – thankyou:)
Caz recently posted..A photo that speaks a million words
Its so very true Caz – friendships are not like they used to be. There is one thing that I do miss the most and that’s having a cake/coffee and a chat with a great friend.
I think that life gets busy, and people lose touch. There is no need for snail mail anymore so really the personal touch in life is missing (its easier to text/email/facebook/twitter) which is a real shame.
What I think is good is that new friends always come into our life for a reason…and new friendships form when old friendships end. At least that is what I am hoping for
Lisa wood recently posted..All I Want For Christmas :: Tagged And Passing It On
Yes – I think you are right Lisa. They do come and go and you have to go with the flow!! I think I’m just in a transitional place right now. Kids lives are growing and changing and so is mine. Life is full of changes and surprises. But expressing myself and getting all of these awesome comments full of wisdom has really helped. Thanks again. Caz.
Caz recently posted..Do you ever have crazy days when your heart feels like it is breaking – even though you know it’s really all okay?
Yes … I have had those days as I’m sure most of us have …… and that is what makes us wonderful friends to have … because we care … because we regret loss of friendhsip … because we question how we could have done things better ………. it always takes two people to have a successful relationship …. and both people need to be ‘in’ ……. blog land is fabulous for building new bonds and sharing highs and lows ….. even though we are not face to face friends we are still a community of friends who have built trust and a successful relationship.
hugs to you
Carly W
That is a really nice and much more productive way to look at it Carly
Thanks.
Caz recently posted..Do you ever have crazy days when your heart feels like it is breaking – even though you know it’s really all okay?
This was so beautifully written, and very easy to relate to. Thanks for sharing. xx
EssentiallyJess recently posted..Have Yourself, A Merry IBOT Christmas
Thanks Jess
Happy IBOT Christmas!!!!!
Caz recently posted..Four Christmas Presents I’d be happy to find under the tree this year {+ $400 giveaway}
Oh yes Caz. Yes! i totally get the same feeling. I was feeling sad on the weekend because of our lack of social life. Even at this time if the year! Since our separation/ reconciliation a lot of our friendships have suffered and even ended. I feel like blogging has gone some way to feel the void. But there is nothing more affirming than being around people who really love you and get you. Big hugs to you Caz. Hope tomorrow is filled with light. x
Lee recently posted..Stress and self care and the odd tantrum or two.
Thank-you Lee
I really am feeling better just from blogging it out and reading the comments. I can see that as life changes (kids, husbands …) you have to change your perspective and make a different kind of effort. One I’ve been sadly lacking with sleep deprivation years and the lack of energy from the thyroid issues. I think I’ve gotten very insular (if that makes sense). Time to get more outsular (okay I’m really tired now and think with bad humour like I should shut this off and go to bed!!!). Thanks Lee 
Caz recently posted..Do you ever have crazy days when your heart feels like it is breaking – even though you know it’s really all okay?
I just read my email and saw your post. I could have imagined for a moment that I wrote that a month ago when I was feeling melancholy over the same issues.
*hugs for all*
Thanks Sharon – especially for taking the time to click over and comment
These thoughts do seem to touch us all. I’m just lucky I can share them and get such wise and insightful comments in return 
Caz recently posted..Do you ever have crazy days when your heart feels like it is breaking – even though you know it’s really all okay?
It’s as if I had written your post myself (yet my version would most certainly not be as eloquent as you)! I’m totally dissatisfied with the female friendships I have. And I’m so easy to please… just be kind, think of me sometime and be there to listen. But true friends are hard to come by. When I reflect, I can count on one hand the number of people I have truely connected with… but with age and distance, they are not what they once were. Birthday texts here and there, congrats on the baby and that’s about it. Facebook (or ‘Falsebook’ as I like to call it) is a horrible sadness trigger for me. It’s pure voyeurism seeing how many ‘friends’ others have and how often they communicate – almost like a high school popularity contest that I was never going to win. Aaaah, still wonder what it’s going to be like when I grow up (35 and counting)!
I’ve been thinking today about the internet too. It’s easy to share on facebook (or by blogging) but maybe we are losing some of the skills needed to have good IRL friendships? I wonder??? I do think the net allows people to project an image – that might not necessarily be the entire truth. It’s like we think if we seem like we’ve got it all together then maybe we really do have. Sorry – rambling a bit here myself – but you have made me think Kerry
Thanks so much for taking the time to comment 
Caz recently posted..Do you ever have crazy days when your heart feels like it is breaking – even though you know it’s really all okay?
Growing up can be very isolating. People get so busy and caught up in their own lives that others become less importan, relationships are tossed to the wayside. My hubby and I had another couple we used to do things with 3 times a week. They were our soul-mate couple, if there is such a thing. Then we moved and had a child, and now we have no soul-mate couple. And it’s not something you can just get easily. Sigh…I’m rambling, what I’m saying is I understand. You are not alone. xo
Aroha recently posted..Thinking Happy Thoughts
I totally understand what you are saying Aroha. Don’t you envy the way kids make friends. ‘Hey, we’re at the same playground and look about the same size – we must be friends’. And off they go together. So much harder as we grow up. We get all closed off and worried about what people think (well I know I do!!). Thanks so much for dropping by and the very thoughtful comment
Caz recently posted..Do you ever have crazy days when your heart feels like it is breaking – even though you know it’s really all okay?
I just a dear friend come over and say the same thing to me, it is a sad time. It is so hard when friendships change. Bug Hugs to you x Eleise
Eleise recently posted..It is ok to say NO to kids!
Thank you Eleise. I’ll take all the bug hugs going
Caz recently posted..Quick and healthy meals for busy nights (recipe one)
I relate too Caz – I have days like these often. My friends seem so dispersed and fragmented in that they don’t really know each other away from me which makes it harder too.
Jodie – Muddled UP Mumma recently posted..Little T Goes to The Zoo
Thanks Jodie – we’re all pretty much the same underneath. Very human and fragile. Hey – tried to comment on your last post and for some reason it wouldn’t save. No idea – but just wanted to let you know.
Caz recently posted..Do you ever have crazy days when your heart feels like it is breaking – even though you know it’s really all okay?
Oh I know exactly how you feel. Being busy with the kids I feel like I’ve lost that connection with my friends who have older kids in school while I’m wrangling babies again. I miss the crazy camaraderie that comes with great friendships.
Thanks for the over share
Alex aka Whoa Mumma recently posted..No Fail Xmas Cake Recipe
My pleasure – it certainly made me feel better
Must be time I started focusing on getting my Crazy back on again. Miss it sooooo much. Being a grown up parent is great – but I truly miss being a little less responsible with my friends!! Thanks Alex 
Caz recently posted..Do you ever have crazy days when your heart feels like it is breaking – even though you know it’s really all okay?
This is a brave and beautiful post. I’m sure a lot of us have felt this way at one time or another. I think it’s great to express it. It’s really bloody hard being a grown up – and changes to long term friendship are a big part of that as life takes everyone on their different twisty journeys. I hope things look brighter tomorrow, but good on your for sharing your thoughts today.
Lara recently posted..The Wiggles are dead. Long live the Wiggles!
Isn’t it just (hard to be a grown up that is.) Can’t tell you how much it helped writing this out. Felt so much better for it. And all of these insightful comments have tipped me over the edge to a much brighter day
Thank-you.
Caz recently posted..A photo that speaks a million words
Keep smiling Caz
Don’t want to sound like a stalker or anything but if I ever move to country Victoria I’ll be looking you up for a coffee!
Thanks Shayne
I’ll hold you to that!!
Caz recently posted..Do you ever have crazy days when your heart feels like it is breaking – even though you know it’s really all okay?
I would love to have as a real friend Caz.
I feel a lot of what you wrote resonating with me I’ve lost most of my deepest friendships with other women too , especially moving so far from them and another who is caught up in her own family and child’s medical issues.
I am okay too but my faith is faltering and I feel the loss of these friendships intensely.
Trish recently posted..Touchy Time out – my first Red balloon experience
What a shame we don’t live closer
I think part of it for me is also the lack of a church community in my life. (My choice – but a lot of my closer friends have come from that circle in the past). I’ve realised today how much life changes when you have kids. You simple don’t focus on yourself any more – most things centre around the kids. And for you – so many issues this year yourself!!! Hope things are going well Trish. I do keep your health in my prayers. Thanks for a very thoughtful comment 
Caz recently posted..Do you ever have crazy days when your heart feels like it is breaking – even though you know it’s really all okay?
“But still I miss having women friends who really share my life. That sisterhood is special to me and adds a complex and valuable dimension that only comes through real friendship between women.
Miss that.
Miss chatting over coffee, feeling comfortable enough to be ridiculous and sharing the everyday joy and pain of life. Being truly real and it not mattering”
Could not have said that any better Caz. I know exactly what you mean. I’m sure you are more than capable, we all are. It’s finding that connection worthy of a lifelong friendship, we’re not all compatible for a long haul; I hope you find your one/circle/many soul friends soon. xx
Carly recently posted..dear telstra. it’s not me, it’s you
Thanks Carly and I hope the same for you too. I think it does get harder as your life changes and you get busy with kids. You don’t have time to focus on yourself as much or your own needs. But I have to tell you I felt so much better are posting this. Very therapeutic
PS- love the new look on your blog. For some reason thou I can’t get it to update on my blog roll 
Caz recently posted..Do you ever have crazy days when your heart feels like it is breaking – even though you know it’s really all okay?
It is hard when you have a family. And your friends have their own family. We are all so busy maintaining friendships and our own needs/interests sadly get pushed down the priority list don’t they.
Thank you too. I had a battle and skipped between WP and Blogger so my blog name/URL has changed frequently over the past 3 months. Staying put now though as I’m truly over it and practicing the mantra ‘near enough is good enough’.
Carly recently posted..dear telstra. it’s not me, it’s you