Today, if it was totally up to me, I’d hide away from the world somewhere cosy and safe.
I’d turn off my mind and just be.
I’d try my hardest to be happy with life as it is and not wonder what might have been or even what could be.
I’d connect with who I am.
I’d be happy with everything and everyone and not expect a thing.
BUT right now that’s not how I am.
I’m living my life in the big bright shining world where hurts and pain are as real as joy and happiness.
I feel inadequate.
I’m battling that feeling that tells me I am simply not enough.
I feel safe writing this here – because the human experience leads most of us down this path at some stage.
Harassing us and making us want to hide away.
Denying the world the depth of what lays within our soul.
In case it hurts us.
In case it doesn’t accept us.
In case it rejects who we are completely.
Truth is that probably won’t – but the feelings are still painful and real.
Today I looked around my life and realized I’ve lost most of my deepest friendships with other women.
Time has eroded them.
Life has passed on and moved over them.
Suddenly, for whatever reason, they are no longer the deep enduring and sustaining relationships they used to be.
That strikes at my core.
Am I incapable of lasting friendship?
Is there something wrong with me that makes me unworthy or maybe even unsuitable?
Perhaps I just don’t have what it takes to be a lifelong friend.
Maybe I missed that class when I was learning my life lessons?
That makes me sad.
It makes me write uncomfortable things that people might not like to read.
But it also makes me real.
And just a little cross.
Because these feeling, if we allow them, rob us of so much.
They stop me reaching out and taking risks.
I can’t allow that to happen.
Truth is I know these are just feelings. They will pass. Their painful presence is probably just showing me something I need to know.
My faith is strong.
It teaches me that I am completely and utterly imperfect – and that is okay.
Okay because we’re all the same. That comforts me a lot.
Image is nothing. And despite the way I fall so quickly into needing to appear to be more than I am, I am already at this moment more than enough.
But still I miss having women friends who really share my life. That sisterhood is special to me and adds a complex and valuable dimension that only comes through real friendship between women.
Miss chatting over coffee, feeling comfortable enough to be ridiculous and sharing the everyday joy and pain of life. Being truly real and it not mattering.
Okay, end of personal over share.
Did I embarrass you?
Do you ever have crazy days when your heart feels like it is breaking – even though you know it’s really all okay?
Apparently I do.