Who the hell am I?

Let’s be honest.  There are days I could answer that question with bravado and inner strength that would knock self-doubt for six  ……. and then there are others where I’d probably be looking at you to tell me the answer – probably with tears in my eyes.  That’s life for me.  I live on an emotional spectrum, an ocean of feeling that I have had to learn to surf the best I can.    I am women – hear me change my mind continually about how I feel and who I am!

Today, while randomly reading my blog roll, I found some intriguing  posts from blogger friends  linking to   Edenlands Fresh Horses Brigade and trying to answer for themselves ‘that’ question.  Who am I?  For some reason I love it when people share how they honestly see themselves. God knows why – maybe my inner psychologist is pushing for some respect or maybe I’m just nosey.  More likely, I suspect I just enjoy checking against the yard stick of others that I fit somewhere in the range of N.O.R.M.A.L  once you dig down beyond the highlights reel we all present to each other.

I don’t venture much over to Edenland. She’s awesome and I love her writing when I do – but to be honest she scares me.  She’s tough.  She’s been there and lived life and for some ridiculous reason it makes me feel inadequate and unsure of myself. In my head I’m convinced she’d see me, and my blog  as mediocre and mundane.    Who am I?   Well actually  I am a 40-year-old woman who still lugs around issues from her teenage years when the tough kids brought her to tears.    I’m shaking my head at myself as I write that.  I always had this notion in my mind that by the time you reach 40 you’d have it all sorted.  Well I’m here to tell you that’s just not how it works.

I am mum.  Yesterday I’d been a mum for eight years.  To be honest some days it REALLY feels like it’s been that long.  I’m battling a little bit of parenting fatigue this week.    Struggling, as you do, with balance and caring for myself.   I’m one of those people who is very good at meeting other people’s needs but not so good at meeting my own.   You just can’t sustain living like that long-term - so I’m finding.   More and more regularly I’m needing to delve back into myself and rearrange what I think it means to care for my kids in a balanced way.  During these times I get cranky A.L.O.T.    I need space alone to think –  but because I’ve failed to teach my kids to have time alone they struggle to respect my needs.   I am  learning and they are learning too.

I am a social welfare worker on an extended career break.  I’ve spent most of my working career as a case manager for families with kids with disabilities. More caring work!!  But right now I’m just being a mum.  I wrote myself a letter back at the start of this year giving myself permission to just be a holly homemaker for this and next year. I’m so glad I did.  Already twice I’ve heard myself start planning to run a business and return to work.  Then I’ve re-read that letter and it’s given me the peace I needed to just be and not do.   (Oh yeah – because have 3 kids is so about not doing!!  But I think you’ll know what I mean.)

Oh god this post is getting long. I didn’t intend it to – but it’s feeling really therapeutic to write.  Let’s wrap it up with some statements that sum up who the hell I am right now:

• I am a blogger who writes about life.  My blog is mine, and though I sometimes share it with PR stuff, it’s really all about the stories that make up my life.  Writing is my escape and sometimes helps me refine and know my feelings.
• I am far from perfect.  The older I get the further away from perfect I seem to be finding myself.  Illogical but true.
• I am very caring and compassionate.  Maybe too much so.  Inside there is a part of me that is kicking, screaming and yelling as it tells me to be selfish. Sometimes that part explodes and I yell A.L.O.T.  Saying things that sounds so childish and immature they make me laugh when I think  back on them.
• I am a person who loves food and eating.  I use food to comfort my inner being and have a size 18 butt as proof of it.  Eating is my vice of choice and I’m not sure I’m ready to give that up.
• I am a wannabe cake maker and a wannabe photographer.  By blog is full of cakes and photos